Holding Onto Hope, Plus A Perfect Memory

*TRIGGER Warning - Miscarriage*

This post is the most RAW I have ever been on social media and to all the "haters" - sorry, not doing it for attention, but I'm happy to disappoint you ;-)

Hubby and I always knew that even before we thought about having kids, that we always wanted to have a larger family because we have SO much love to give, how could we not? We always hesitated because when we first starting having kids, having more than one seemed impossible because of our financial situation. To put it lightly, we were flat broke working more than one to three jobs each. So we worked and worked and worked harder. We worked our asses off to make having a second child not seem so scary. As years went on, finances were no longer a problem because of the hard work we did, we were able to have another baby and feel secure that we could handle it and provide exactly what our kids needed, or more.

Then we started talking about having just one more baby. Baby #3. We knew in our hearts that even though we would love to have 4 kids to raise, we also wanted to enjoy the time we have with them and not be worried about spending the money on three kids to let them play soccer, or do dance class or whatever the heck they wanted without worrying about being able to comfortably live or pay our bills on time. We know our limit, and having 3 kids is our limit to stay happy and enjoy the moments.

Before we could have that last kiddo, we needed a house to fit our growing family. Our girls are growing like weeds and my parents needed to not share their space with us, even though they were beyond happy to do so as long as we needed to find our footing. We got the house, we got settled, then talk of baby three started up again.

On January 1st, we found out we were FINALLY getting to add that last little perfect piece to our entire puzzle. We couldn't freakin believe it! It was such a bittersweet moment for us because this was the last time we would get to take a pregnancy test, or tell our families we were pregnant for the last time, and all those things that would be the last time, this was it. As sad as I was to start seeing this phase of my life end where I was going to be done having babies, I was also looking forward to the chapters that involved raising all these kids and the adventures would have together as a complete family.

Well, at least we thought we were going to be done with the "having babies" phase. On January 14th, we lost the baby. Our first miscarriage. I will NEVER be able to describe to you what that kind of PAIN was like, emotionally and physically. To go through all the physical stuff - to put it lightly, your body basically goes through labor - and not have a baby at the end of it, is so beyond devastating, they need a new word for it. To go through all the emotions and the questions - "WHY?", "why did my body fail?", "why was this baby taken from us?", "why is God torturing us?", "why do we have to go from completely happy to explaining to our 5 year old that she's not getting another sibling at the moment because it died?". Then I was so angry at myself because I was SO ANGRY at God. I hated that I was angry at him, but I was. I couldn't understand what his plan was for us at that time and I still don't understand, but I know there is one.

The emotional and physical stuff took months to get better. One thing Hubby and I never lost sight of was just being there for one another and allowing us to grieve whenever the grief came, even if it was during some of the most random and inconvenient times. I still grieve. I always will for the rest of my life. That was a baby we wanted and didn't get to meet. That SUCKS. I also have to say that I never would have gotten through that whole experience as well as I did without our tribe. We had so much incredible support that it was phenomenal!

There was one thing that bothered me about the whole experience the most - as it was all happening, I had come to learn that miscarriage is SO common. Ridiculously common. 1 in 4 women have miscarriages! That number is mind numbing to me. At least 25% OR MORE of pregnancies end in a loss. How awful! But why did I not know about this before it happened to me? Why isn't this talked about more? For the record, I do understand why it's not talked about more, this was one of the personal and devastating things to happen to us, who would want to run around sharing that?! There are some out there that don't mind sharing when another person is experiencing the same pain they went through. For those women that shared with me - you will never understand or have ANY idea at all how grateful I am to you! You all know who you are! That kind of support and knowledge was healing and empowering for me. It also helped that I already have two perfect pregnancies that gave us two perfect children, but it didn't hurt less when it happened because of the kids we had.

But back to the part where miscarriages happen so often. After learning how crazy common they were, I couldn't help but share about my miscarriage on Instagram a month or so after it happened. I kept it off Facebook, not sure why, maybe I feel that IG is a more focused platform?? I honestly can't say. I have this huge urge to share my story because I want to be there for others and let them know that IT HAPPENS, you are NOT broken OR alone! I don't like that I had to wait to experience a miscarriage to learn this info but on the other hand, why would I just go randomly looking for that type of information? But still, knowing all that really helped ease my worry and my nervousness about my body and my emotions. I hope more women can feel comfortable sharing their miscarriage experience because I can't say enough how much it helped knowing I wasn't the only one and that I had SUPPORT out there. All that support gave me hope that one day we would get our Rainbow Baby!


What is a Rainbow Baby?


A “rainbow baby” is a baby that is born following a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss. In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.


A little side story (I promise this will all tie in together). When I started getting into baby wearing with Miss K, I was BLOWN AWAY by all the options there are out there for carriers to pick from! Just INSANE! My first carrier ever was a black Moby wrap I borrowed from a dear friend. When we had Miss E, I really had a lot more knowledge about carriers and one day I came across Pfau. Pfau is a wrap exclusively made by a company called Didymos - it's located in Europe. For those of you that know me best, I have a secret thing for peacocks. I've always found them so fascinating and STUNNING! I just admire their beauty. Here is Pfau, Pfau is Didymos's peacock wrap, it comes in many colors but pictured below is their Pfau in violet....

Photo Credit

Photo Credit

I always told myself that I would own any kind of Pfau at one point or another during our child bearing years. Didn't care what color I got, I just thought they were so great, I had to have one.

Going back to my miscarriage, shortly after it happened, one morning I woke up and saw that Didymos posted these photos on their Facebook page and I couldn't believe my eyes, they were doing weft sampling for RAINBOW wraps! Look at the bottom right!!! THERE IS PFAU!!!!!

Didy's post was BLOWING UP with comments from people asking which ones were going to be released and when. Didy basically took an "unofficial poll" of what wefts would be released and I prayed so hard that Pfau was going to make the cut. Sadly, Pfau didn't make the cut for the release. I was SHATTERED. How freakin perfect would that wrap have been for us to have? I always wanted a Pfau but then to have it be a rainbow one to get to wear our Rainbow Baby in?!?!?! I cried. It sucked.

Flash forward to about a week later when I'm really having a tough emotional day about the miscarriage and in my newsfeed - a picture of a woman that is pregnant wearing her toddler in a Rainbow Pfau! I was so shocked. I started to panic thinking I had missed the announcement somewhere that Rainbow Pfau was released and that's when I scrolled down to find that woman's story. During Didy's weft sampling, this gal had messaged them telling them her story about how she owns every Pfau and that she is currently pregnant with her Rainbow Baby and how amazing it would be to have that wrap to complete her collections of Pfau's. Didymos GIFTED that Rainbow Pfau to her and she was posting her gratitude on their page.

I was so upset. That was the ONLY Pfau in the ENTIRE country. My first thought was "well I could have messaged them to tell them my story too but I didn't". Then I really hit a low point, I was upset at myself for being mad at a woman that just went through the same awful thing I did and now she's getting her happy ending. How dare I feel that way about her!? So, of course, I'm so happy for her, what a great story for her to have for the rest of her life and to be able to pass that wrap on to her child. Don't get me wrong, I was still bummed out, but it was cool!

Flash forward to about the week of May 20th, I was sitting down with my coffee doing my morning Facebook session while the kids ate breakfast and about choked on my coffee....there it was....a post from Didymos with very little to no warning...a FULL BLOWN release of Rainbow Pfau! HOLY. SHIT. I immediately called Hubby and told him, he knew how much that wrap meant to me, we had the money, so how could I not go for this?!?! I never heard from him until he was off work (he was slammed, I don't blame him) and when he got home we talked about it again and he told me he was so sorry but he just couldn't see us buying it at that moment (after all it wasn't cheap) when we weren't pregnant and we really did need to hold onto the money for things we knew were coming up. I couldn't be mad at him and I wasn't unreasonable. He made a very valid point, but I was still way upset. By the end of that night, it was sold out. I cried hard.

Usually when a wrap company does its own release, they will usually leave some aside to give to retailers to sell. I started stalking one of the retailers I knew would get the chance to have Rainbow Pfau. Sure enough, a few days later one of the retailers announced that they had confirmed with Didy that they were getting Rainbow Pfau and that they were taking preorders. This was it, I couldn't handle it, I asked Hubby again just hoping he had had a change of heart, but his response was the same, I had begged him so hard and then cried. I don't ever get this passionate about something often and when I'm stuck on something, I have a hard time letting go of it. I'm a simple person that is super content, so it's very rare I ask for something....so you all understand how badly I wanted this! lol!

Went to bed that night and woke up the next morning. I just couldn't let it go. I asked Hubby ONE last time, but this time his response was "if you can sell the other wraps you have to fund it, then I would totally be okay with that", which made me upset because that wasn't happening. The wrap and ringsling I currently have are for our two girls that I'm passing onto them when they have children. I went to go look one last time at the site where the preorders were and I was once again crushed to see that the preorders sold out. I definitely wasn't going to be able to own one now and I just got so mad. I wasn't trying to, but I did. I couldn't help it. I had to leave the room and go upstairs to cool off. As long as I'm left alone to cool off, I will be fine. I'm up there for a few minutes and my Hubby comes in asking me if I was truly that mad about it and why I was so mad about it. I asked him to let me cool down before I said things I didn't want to, I just needed time. He left and came back about a minute later poking at me with the same questions. I was getting more and more upset by the minute and asked him to leave because I was about to my breaking point. He left again, I FINALLY was able to calm myself down and very shortly after Hubby walks back in. He asked if I was okay, I told him yes, and in 10 seconds he says "okay cool, can I show you something about the Mariners?". That killed me. Not only did I feel like my feelings were dismissed in 10 seconds, but I could have cared less about the Mariners in that moment! I was ticked off all over again :( I asked him to leave, he kept pushing his phone in my face, finally I grabbed his stupid phone to get him to leave me alone and there it was....an email for order confirmation of Rainbow Pfau from the first day I talked to him about it when it hit the retail store for preorder. I SOBBED. I sobbed so uncontrollably that it was beyond ugly! He says with his ever so cute mischievous grin "Happy Birthday, I love you!" (my birthday was May 31st and it was my 30th birthday). I could have killed him and hugged him forever in the same moment. Then I felt awful. I felt awful for acting like such a jerk and felt awful or making him feel like he needed to spoil the surprise but I thanked him SO hard for doing it early because there was no way I would have liked to have cried like that in front of my friends and family at my party a week later! LOL! Other than him asking me to marry him, that was one of the most incredible gestures of my life. I did get after him about how much of a butthead he was for getting me all feisty like that! He says that it is his favorite thing to do because it makes the surprises that much better - STINKER! haha!

I couldn't believe it though....it was MINE. Didy's Rainbow Pfau was coming to live with me! After going through that miscarriage, it was just the perfect thing to have with me to give me hope and remind me that we will still be getting to have our baby at some point. I just knew it. The only crappy part was that I had to wait over two weeks to get it and it shipped May 23rd.

Flash forward to June 2nd. As I was getting ready to head to a weekend away for a bachelorette party, I thought I should probably take a test just to be safe (I would have placed bets on me not being pregnant at all because the month before 3/4 of our family was sick for about 100% of the month of April). I took the test and about fainted....there it was, "PREGNANT 1-2 WEEKS". You've gotta be kidding me - WE ARE PREGNANT! AHHHHHH!!!! Just when we least expected it, it happened! We were SO SO SO happy! We are getting our Rainbow Baby!

Flash forward to this week. It was a really chill day. I thought it would be fun to take the girls out shopping and spend the day with them after I had gotten back from my weekend away. We went out to lunch and I took them to the toy store afterwards and let them pick out some cute stuff. We get home and BOOM - something felt wrong - I couldn't have ran faster to the bathroom if I tried - my worst fear was confirmed. Just like that, we were losing another one. How in the hell could I be losing another baby. Everything felt fine. I felt great. We bought stuff this time because things felt like they were progressing so well. I told my husband. We are broken. As I sit here typing this, I'm still miscarrying. It truly sucks. It sucks so much that it doesn't all get over with faster. It sucks that I have to have a daily reminder until it's over. It has sucked that over the last few days, the stuff we bought has been showing up at our door as another reminder that we are losing another baby. All the same pain, all the same emotions. Just why? Why us again? Why couldn't we have this baby either?

Yesterday was different. The mailman arrived. It was a package that I wasn't expecting, a package from Didymos - I BAWLED. Even though we are currently experiencing another storm, my rainbow wrap showed up. It was here. I needed that. It was comforting. Sounds silly but it's the truth. Hubby asked me to wait until he got home to open it. I wanted to kill him a little bit but it's the least I could do. It was such a simple request for the biggest gesture he made towards me. It was the longest day of my life! LOL!

Hubby gets home....I wasted no time...I ripped into that package so fast, it was funny! Here is the rest of this part of the story in photos. This first photo, this is the most raw I've ever been and this photo captures so much I'm going through in one single moment. I'm smiling and laughing so hard as I'm SOBBING uncontrollably, just check that shiny stream down my cheek BAHAHA! It was here. It was mine. I get to keep it forever and then pass it on. I still can't believe it.

VERY few will truly understand the full magnitude of what this wrap truly means to me or even understand how it feels to go through a miscarriage. I'm not sharing any of this for attention. I'm sharing this, again, hoping that it will comfort someone during their darkest time. I'm hoping that this will help someone heal. I'm hoping that this will help create more awareness regarding pregnancy and infant loss to help make it less taboo of a subject. That's why I did this. That's why I'm posting this super personal story about myself and our journey to baby #3.

For those of you that have suffered through miscarriages or infant loss....from the bottom of my heart - I am SO SO SO sorry! You are never alone! Don't ever feel like you can't grieve or ever feel like your baby didn't mean something just because it was never born. You are a mother. That was YOUR baby. Their little lives mattered and existed. Period. 

You all have no idea how much it means to me for you to sit through and read this. I do this for myself, but hearing how much you all enjoy it makes me happy too!

To All The Mamas - You are ENOUGH

YOU. ARE. ENOUGH!!!


Read that again and let it sink in a little more - you are ENOUGH!

I ALWAYS struggle with believing this. I always have. Why? Because I let people get to me when I shouldn't. I let people make me feel like I'm not enough. I let people's words hurt me and I let the judgment in WAY too much.


The following questions are to be read in a condescending tone - - -


"You're JUST a mom, you don't work?" - hell yes I work, have you ever raised tiny humans FULL TIME, all day, every day?! That's a job in itself. Along with being a chef, a caretaker, and more! And when you aren't with them, you are CONSTANTLY worrying about if they are safe, if they remembered to bring the coat you told them to get when they go outside, etc.


"You HOMESCHOOL your kids?!" - abso-freakin-lutely! This was by far one of the best decision we have EVER made! Not that it makes any difference, because I believe that if you have the passion and the work ethic to make it happen, you don't need a college degree, but mine just happens to be focused on Elementary Education/Early Childhood Development so it only made complete sense to use the skills I have to teach my own children and focus all my attention on them. It is by far one of the most frustrating but INCREDIBLY rewarding things I've ever done in my life! I believe that because of my degree, I have so much more knowledge to bring to the table for my kids. I'm so thankful for that. I know I don't have a paying job related to my degree, but what better way to use my degree??!! I know many that have high school diplomas and homeschool their children. They are just as WONDERFUL at it. For me personally, I believe that my degree made me better and I'm so thankful for it. I know I could have done this without it, but I'm better because of it.


"Aren't you worried about being responsible for their ENTIRE education?" - Well, OF COURSE! But what teacher isn't?!?! I'm not any less worried than a teacher that teaches in a public/private school.


"What do you do all day?" - well....this one makes me laugh because I always joke around with people and "dare" them to ask me what I do all day because they will get "an ear full" HAHAHA!


But here's a peak into one of my busiest days:


Wake up, get the kids settled so I can make breakfast, while the kids eat breakfast I do the dishes and get a load of laundry started, once breakfast is done the kids start getting ready for the day and do daily chores. Then, we head out the door to take our oldest to her lab classes while they eat a snack that I scramble to put together that they can eat in the car. We get back from dropping her off, the littlest kiddo gets sat down for lunch and while she is eating I get another load of laundry started, sit down at the computer to do as much as I can for my two businesses, try to drink a cup of coffee, and if I'm not at the computer I'm sewing to complete outstanding orders. An hour and a half later, we are back out the door to get big sister, come home, shove another snack in the kids then it's out to ballet class. Once ballet class is over we head home to cook/eat dinner, then get the kids ready for bath/bed. While Daddy is doing the bedtime routine I'm back downstairs finishing the laundry, cleaning up from making dinner, following up on businesses, picking up anything left over that the kids missed from clean up and then once Daddy is done with the bedtime routine I run upstairs to say my goodnights, then head back downstairs to spend some time with my husband.


That is just the bare minimum of what my busiest day looks like and I did leave a lot of little things out. Then there are one or two days where I do absolutely NOTHING like mentioned above because I usually give the kids one entire day a week to determine what we do for the day (within reason - I'm not about to go to the park when it's POURING down rain haha). There are days where I never get a shower, there are days where the house looks like a war zone because I needed a mental break and decided to craft or sew for me or be creative somehow. Is there a balance? Sure there is. I'm also NOT superwoman (which was hard to realize) and when I focus on my two businesses, house chores get neglected. When I focus on house chores, I don't do a single business related thing. If I have a day where it's 110% focused on the kids, both the businesses and the chores get neglected! I CANNOT do it all, ALL the time. No one should ever be expected to be able to. If I did, I would be a complete, overworked, unhappy MESS!


"Shouldn't your house always be clean since you're a stay at home mom?" - I'm just gonna sit here and laugh at this one because normally someone that asks me this, doesn't have kids that are still at home or any at all ;-)

These are just a VERY small fraction of the questions that I face and what other mother's face way too often. Whether you are a stay at home mom, a full time working mom, or something in between, any of these kinds of questions are HIDEOUS!

I came across this video on Facebook. It had the PERFECT timing! It is well worth the 6 plus minutes to watch it. Here's the link to the video:

Jon Acuff - Dear Moms - You're Enough


I will admit straight off the bat that this made me cry like a blubbering idiot! When we make decisions for our family, we make them with 110% confidence based on the information and experiences we have on hand. Do these decisions work for any other family? Maybe, but that doesn't mean it is RIGHT for EVERY other family. Period. I may be starting to sound like a broken record but it is NO ONE ELSE'S business what decisions people make for their families. Stop judging parents. Just because you don't think it's right, doesn't give you the right to make others feel like crap or less than amazing. Agree to disagree, respect it and move on!

Things that stood out to me most in Jon Acuff's video were:

1. We are raising tiny humans!
2. We are not super heros!
3. WE ARE ENOUGH!
4. We only get ONE shot with our kids.


I am a wife, a mother of two small humans, an owner of TWO businesses, a stay at home mom, and a homeschooling mom. Like I mentioned above, I've NEVER been able to do all of these all at once, all the time. Did I ever beat myself up for not being able to do it, YES! This is where I had to stop letting people/media tell me I wasn't good enough if I couldn't do it all. When I did, I was not the person I wanted to be. I yelled at my kids, I was stressed all the time thinking about the things that I didn't get done that I "should" have. I really had to refocus. I had to start setting hours for when I worked my two businesses, I had to make myself understand that I'm a MOM - that is a HUGE responsibility. It was up to me to decide what kind of mom I wanted to be. Did I want to be the mom that they see constantly running around, stressed, overworked? NO! I want to be the mom that they remember playing with them, creating with them, having FUN with them. I still struggle with that last one a bit because I'm wired to constantly keep moving. It's a learning process every day!

What I love most about Jon's video is he really hits the key point about social media making mom's think they are no good and mom's that start to compare their children to others. I'm a very firm believer that kids NEED to work at their own pace. It is crucial because once you start pressuring them to do things they are not developmentally ready for or ready to do on their own, you will slowly watch their light fade. Our job as a parent is to nurture that little flame into a roaring fire. We are here to guide them, support them and keep them safe with their learning and adventures. Do I have moments of weakest - HA! You betcha! All the dang time. We need to stop letting the media be so poisonous to us. If WE feel good about what we are doing, THAT is what matters the most. WE ARE ENOUGH.


We need to see more people out there like Jon Acuff acknowledging that mom's are ENOUGH.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm always beating myself up. Jon's video was a perfect reminder that I AM enough. Will I continue to struggle with the idea, yes, I'm human. Mom guilt is always the worst haha! Do I hope that all you mom's start to realize how amazing you are and how ENOUGH you are? SO MANY MILLION TIMES YES! Each and every one of us are doing the best we can and we are ALLOWED to have "off" days. We are ALLOWED to have amazing days and not be expected to have amazing days all the time. We are enough. WE.ARE.ENOUGH! <3 br="">
Thank you all for taking the time to read this and I hope it helped you as much as it helped me today! <3 p="">

I failed....

I FAILED.


This is what I constantly felt. This is what I told myself over and over after my second child had an unsuccessful attempt at breast feeding.

NO ONE, not even mothers that had experienced what I had gone through could have prepared me for the emotional rollercoaster I would go through after each time breastfeeding was unsuccessful.

With Kae, I was a new mom, doing everything I could, working so hard to make sure that I could breastfeed my child and to make it work. When Kae was born, she was a beautiful 7lbs 7oz of healthy perfection. When I was in the hospital with her, I had four different nurses, each telling me their own way of how I should breastfeed, but even though they are trained to get babies to latch, they aren't specialized in it, therefore, by the time I left, I was in tears from all the pain/soreness it had caused me.

When I went home, I still worked around the clock killing myself to make sure that breastfeeding worked. I didn't get to see a Lactation Consultant until Kae was about 2-3 weeks old. The gals worked with us, got Kae eating and latched, things were going really well. I learned later that maybe the LC's should have taken more time with me at each meeting, or a full round of breast feeding, to really see if things were going well. Of course, I felt that things were GREAT. She was still eating like a champ (in my opinion), eating often, having regular diapers, etc.
 
When Kae was around 8 weeks old, something felt wrong, Kae seemed "off". Her fontanelle (ie - soft spot on the top of a baby's head) was slightly sunken in, which could indicate dehydration or malnourishment. My intuition was telling me that  I needed to take her into the doctor. Our pediatrician's told me there was no reason to see us because there were so many indicators that led them to believe she was fine. I still insisted, practically begged them to just humor me and let us come in, they still wouldn't. I was so upset. Then I remembered that LC's office did free weight checks whenever they were open, so I packed Kae up and headed there. I had one of the worst experiences as a mother when I got there. They weighed her and she was still 3oz under her BIRTH weight and she was 8 weeks old. My heart sank.

I. was. devastated.

There I was, by myself with Kae (Derek was at work), being told by the LC's that they were debating whether to send us to the ER to put Kae on an IV drip to get fluids in her. I completely lost it and don't remember much of what they said in those next few minutes. Then I was being told that I needed to stop breastfeeding altogether (which I now know was not the best direction for them to take) and get her on formula ASAP to get calories in her. The thing that killed me the most was that both LC's started to ask me how my home life was, if my husband was good to me, if we had a healthy relationship, etc. I went from sobbing to outright PISSED OFF. For those of you that know us personally, you can understand why I lost my cool, Derek is the most WONDERFUL man on the planet, so those questions just completely set me off, which didn't help with the fact that I was already freaking out about Kae and even though I KNOW it was part of their job to find out and ask information, I still lost my cool with them. I did apologize to them later, but it was really hard to hear them ask those kinds of questions.

Once I calmed down, the LC's talked about giving Kae straight formula for the weekend (it was a Friday when I went in) just to get some weight on her, that she needed to gain enough to get her above her birth weight and then they would reevaluate on Monday. In the meantime, while Kae was given forumula, I pumped around the clock to see if I could get my supply back up because even though it wasn't their first suggestion to do this, I was NOT GIVING UP! When I was there on Friday, I barely pumped 1 oz between both breasts when I should have been trippling or quadrupling that at 8 weeks post partum. It was a rough 48 hours. Me being an emotional wreck and beating myself up about how I could have let this happen to Kae, how I didn't notice sooner before things got this back, and more. I wanted breastfeeding to work SO.BAD. So badly that I would have given up a leg.

On Monday, my mother who had driven clear across the state in just a few short hours when I called her Friday while I was completely losing it, went to the LC's office, they put Kae on the scale, we both held our breath and YES! She gained TEN ounces over the weekend. Even though Kae had gained way more than the LC's told us they wanted to see, the "damage" had been done for me emotionally. After Kae being underweight, I had become OBSESSED with measuring formula/breast milk (the very small freezer stash I had) and KNOWING how much she was eating. I was SO freaked out for it to happen again. Next, they had me pump ;in their office to see how much breast milk I could get and the results were even worse than on Friday. My supply was drying up. I was offered a drug that can increase milk supply but one of the side effects was depression and I had a huge chance of getting it with the emotional state I was already in, so I turned it down. I was already a wreck, my mom was leaving, Derek was going back to work, and that would have left me with this new kiddo, and my thoughts, I feared I would get depressed for sure.

Choosing to switch to formula really messed with my head. I had a hard time with seeing breastfeeding mothers until Kae was about 18 months. I felt silly for taking it so hard, but I needed to allow myself to heal and a few of my family and close friends told me that it was OKAY to mourn the loss of something I desperately wanted to work. Don't get me wrong, words cannot even begin to express how thankful I was that Kae was OKAY. I'm thankful that there are other ways to nourish our children when things go wrong. Breast milk is always best, but I'll take formula.

We later were told that Kae was a "lazy eater". She would only eat for a few minutes before wanting to fall asleep and that it was super important that you help babies get the hang of it by three to four weeks of age, because after that, it becomes harder to change habits and milk supply.

Moving forward, I did INSANE amounts of research, I wasn't going to let this happen to another baby of mine. We did research, got all the supplies, made sure I had a breast pump, chose having a natural birth to help with baby being more ready to breast feed since drugged out babies tend to take a lot more work to get breastfeeding down initially because they aren't as alert, planned to see an LC earlier, etc.
 
When Evie got here, I immediately wanted her to eat and get her latched and get to work on making breastfeeding work this time. I was so determined. I fed that kid any dang time she wanted to eat, for as long as she wanted to eat because I knew that it would help my supply and give her more practice. She was a champ, ate and latched perfectly, did all the typical things that newborns should be doing to show progress (a lot of things that Kae didn't do that I didn't know of at the time), and I felt so great about it.

We worked with my midwife as our LC for the first two weeks, then after that, we were being told that it looked as if things were going well, so we waited another week before tracking down an LC. Well, I COMPLETELY forgot that Derek's Aunt who was a LC/Labor and Deliver nurse recently moved near us (I did a happy dance) so when Evie was around 3 weeks I contacted her because I still had that nagging worry of what happened to Kae and I was paranoid. Unfortunately, my worst fears were coming to reality. Evie was almost 4 weeks old and still under birth weight but between the time she was weighed at her two week appt and then, she had gained weight, it just wasn't what people typically want to see. Aunt Kathy immediately helped me get to work, sent me home with a hospital grade breast pump, gave Evie and I a very intense regimen to go by and started getting to work. I was hopeful that since I was being more proactive about making it work this time, that everything was sure to be fine. What I loved even more is that Aunt Kathy knew how passionate I was about it and instead of saying "she's not gaining enough, we need to switch to formula", she said, "you breast feed her as much as you can before she loses interest (Evie was pulling off acting like she wasn't getting enough breast milk and wouldn't latch back on when that would happen), then top her off with formula, that way she's getting all the breast milk she can and just a tiny bit of formula. If you are okay with donor milk, try to get ahold of some, that way you don't have to do formula at all!" She was just amazing. A huge help and huge cheerleader for me. I appreciated her so much.

I went through a week of that strict regimen, which was, feed Evie, supplement, pump. I was doing that around the dang clock and it was taking it's toll on me. In on honesty, on day 5, I hit a wall, I was exhausted, sore and emotional. Pumping SUCKS and it does take time to get used to it, but I didn't want to bring myself to get used to it because I was so sure that I didn't need to do it after a week because I knew that my production was going to pick back up! I just knew it. I prayed that it would.

Weigh in day came, put Evie on the scale, she only gained another 2 oz and was still under birth weight at 4.5 weeks :-( It was like the nightmare with Kae was happening all over again. It was even harder to deal with this time because I worked so hard and did so much planning, IT WAS SUPPOSE TO WORK!!!!!!!!!! I just couldn't understand. I had failed another child.

I remember crying for DAYS. I almost fell into some sort of depression over this whole situation. How could this have happened AGAIN?! I did EVERYTHING I could think of to plan and prepare to try to make sure that breastfeeding was more successful this time. I spent every waking moment I could on reading and researching. Had set up my birth plan around having a successful breastfeeding experience. How could this have happened again?

When I was feeling my worst during this time, something amazing happened. My sister in law found out what had happened and offered to give us a HUGE portion of her freezer stash of breast milk so that I could feed Evie breast milk longer than I thought was going to be possible. Some people are a little unsettled about the idea with using donor breast milk for their child, but knowing who it was coming from, what their lifestyle was like, it was a NO BRAINER to take this gift. To this day she has NO idea how much that truly meant to me. She was my angel during this dark time for me. Lindsy, I'm forever grateful to your for such a generous act of kindness!

Let me just say that I don't think formula is HORRIBLE, Kae was given formula from 2 months old until she was done with it, but I wanted Evie to get as much breast milk as she could because you just can't beat the natural goodness of it, because it really is the best you can get if you can give it yourself or get it from someone. It's liquid GOLD! haha!

I was starting to "heal" from what had happened until we ran out of breast milk...we introduced formula. I have NO idea why I had such a hard time with giving her formula. Maybe it was because it was a reminder of how I failed? Who knows. I turned to some fellow mamas and one of them said to me and reminded me, it is OKAY to mourn about this, you are allowed to grieve because you worked so hard to try to make it possible and it didn't work out. Deal with it, feel it, process it. Those were some amazing words for me to hear because I always felt I was being silly for making such a big deal out of it and there were so many that didn't understand why I was feeling so badly about breastfeeding failing.

Evie is almost 20 months old now and the reason I'm sharing this story with you today is because a couple months ago, I saw a photo that brought all of these emotions and feelings back to reality for me. I can't share the photo because I don't know who it was originally from and since I don't, I can't get permission to share it. It was of a mother that was supplementing with a supplement container holding formula, that was around her neck like a necklace and she was supplementing via breast feeding. I was flooded with tears when I saw it, mostly because it reminded me of our struggle and how I had to do that for hours just praying and hoping that the stimulation from supplementing at the breast would stimulate my body to do its job.

Feeling a little down in the dumps after seeing that photo, I confided in a good friend that is schooling and training to someday become a Lactation Specialist herself. I shared the photo with her, told her how it was making me feel, etc. The next thing she said to me was something that I didn't know I needed to hear, but I believed all these events happened for a reason, and lead up to this moment in my life. She said to me.....
"Caty, every single nursing session is a success! Even if you brought your baby to your breast ONE time, it's a success! Every nursing session is such a gift! You ARE a successful breastfeeding mama!!!"

In that moment, I was given "closure" that I desperate sought after. Maybe not even full closure because it still stings a tiny bit when I see a mother nursing their children, but in that moment, I felt I was given validation in a way that no one else could give me. There were so many people that told me the same thing, or along those line, but it was the way that my friend worded it, I guess, that made a huge difference. She has NO idea how forever grateful I will be to her for saying those words to me.

Why am I sharing all of this with you? Because I KNOW I am not the only person that has fought this battle, gone through this struggle, felt this guilt, felt the pain and agony of an outcome that wasn't hoped for. I want to share this story because I hope that it helps at least one mama get through this struggle. Feeling these feelings and trying to heal from something like not being able to breastfeed your child to a point that you wanted, is something that happens, and it is OKAY to feel all these things and process it over however long it takes you. I am still learning how to deal with it, and you better believe I'm nervous about what might happen when I have another child, but this is the best way for deal with it.

If you have gone through something similar, TALK ABOUT IT. I don't care how silly you think it might be...TALK ABOUT IT! You are allowed to grieve over something like this.

To those of you reading this and going through the struggle RIGHT NOW and aren't sure who to turn to, I am HERE FOR YOU! <3 br="">

How Dave Ramsey Is Changing Our Lives

Dave Ramsey....ever heard of him? Struggling financially? Then you might want to "meet" Dave :-)

First, I wanted to start this post off by saying that this is OUR journey with money. It is a very personal issue for me to talk about but I wanted to share our story because it is a FACT that there are so many other people out there that went/are going through the same struggles we are and I want to give hope to those people looking for a way to change what they're doing but don't know where to start. I have this strong urge to share my story, because it was someone else's story and journey with Dave Ramsey's program, that changed our lives. I am forever grateful to that person and she knows who she is ;-) Well, it won't be a secret who that person is as you read this post hahaha! ;-)

Before you begin to read my post, I want you all to understand something...money problems canNOT disapear overnight (when handled legally...hahahahaha!!). They took a while to become problems, they're going to take a while to be fixed! Period.

Our money problems started when I was 18 and applied for my first credit card. I was a jobless Freshman in college, with Christmas quickly approaching. I really hate the idea of not being able to send people gifts, which was the reason I even applied for this credit card. I was approved for that credit card and received it in the mail shortly after. At the time, the credit limit was only $600. That's not too bad, right!? In our society, getting a credit card is like a "right of passage" into the adult world. It's like a status that "has" to be obtained! Well, one credit card led to Derek getting one, with a pretty huge limit for 19 year old. Then we got another together, then I got a few more. By the time we got married, we had 7 credit cards between the two of us. We felt that we were managing them very well. Most months we made over the minimum payment, other days we would immediately pay off what we charged because we wanted to "build our credit". The banks and companies felt we were doing so well with our cards, that at least two of them had the limit increased. So, my "tiny" little credit limit of $600, jumped to an $1,100 limit in just a very short year.

Over the course of a few years, we had ups and downs where we would do really well with paying debt off, then other times where we were trying to figure out how almost all of our cards were maxed out and our only saving grace would be our tax returns each year so we could pay them off. However, once we paid them off, it was like, oh my gosh, we have all this money on our credit cards that we can use and you get the idea....back and forth with maxing out and paying off. Using all those credit cards started to become a small addiction. I was finding ways to justify purchases that I made because I "needed" those items but didn't have the money, so using the credit card was "okay".

When we got married and 9 short months later, had our first child, we couldn't afford daycare on our incomes. We made the very hard choice (and not so hard at the same time lol) to have me quit my job so I could be a stay at home Mom. It was so great in the beginning, but we quickly realized that the credit card payments each month were getting harder and harder to make. We made so many sacrifices by getting rid of frivolous things like cable and Derek had to get a second job to keep up. We started to feel like we were gaining control again, only to find out that we'd continue to max out credit cards because we weren't handling having a single income very well. It was a huge adjustment that definitely took months/years to get figured out.

We made another drastic change, we moved to a nearby town to become apartment managers to save money so Derek could go back to school and finish his degree. At the time, we thought we were freakin NUTS to add all that student loan debt on top of our already crazy credit card debt but in the long run, we felt it was a good choice since it had to do with helping our future. I won't lie, we struggled A LOT. There were days where Derek and I ate Top Ramen for meals in the final week before receiving a paycheck or before we received his financial aid. Let me just mention that even though Derek and I were living off of Top Ramen, Miss K had absolutely everything she needed to be happy and healthy so we made the sacrifices to make sure she always did have the best life and the best resources available to her. Living paycheck to paycheck, pinching every penny we could, along with not having a single cent in savings, was one of that hardest things we've ever experienced. Thank goodness Derek and I had such a strong relationship, the hard times we faced never once influenced our relationship in a negative way. A lot of couples out there have a hard time not fighthing about money. I'm glad we weren't one of them. We always vowed that with just our little family, we could move mountains!

There was one day that I was feeling especially down about our financial situation. I can't entirely remember how the subject came up, but while talking to my dear friend Destiny, she mentioned a program that was created by a gentleman named Dave Ramsey. Some of you may have heard of Dave's program, but if you haven't, look into it! Dave is famous for his Financial Peace University class that you often hear about large church groups putting on because Dave is a pretty religious guy but in a way that doesn't make you feel like you have to have religious beliefs to participate. After some back and forth discussions with Destiny, I found out that she had a closet passion for "financial counseling" and was super eager to help me out (THANK GOODNESS!). Her and her hubby were actually using Dave Ramsey's program but I really still didn't understand what it was at the time she began helping me. It was a huge blessing to get her help because I honestly had NO clue where to even begin with tackling our financial situation. We gave Destiny all of our financial info including what our bills were, how much debt we had (yikes), what our income was, what we needed to live on, etc. Unfortunately, it was hard to come up with a plan that was going to work well for us because we lived off of financial aid and Derek's jobs were not consistent in pay, they always changed because two of the jobs were on-call and his Monday through Friday job was only 3 hours a day. So, for about a year I kept touching base with Destiny as our family went through changes and it was still super frustrating to find that it was still really hard to get on good plan since there were still too many variables going on.

Around April/May 2012 we decided to make another HUGE decision for our family...we wanted to move back by our families. We were just having such a hard time finding a good grove and felt that being near our family members again would help give us the extra support system we needed to get us through our finance troubles. When I say "help us get through" we NEVER planned on moving in with my parents until some time after when we found out the cost of living in our hometown was almost twice what we were used to here but we were already committed to moving and had a date that we needed to move out of our apartment by. The notice was given, there was no turning back. However, even though we didn't plan it, my parents opening up their home to us was one of the HUGEST blessings we were given because that seriously let us start to focus on our financial problems. The main idea of moving back to our hometown after living in Eastern Washington for 8 years, was that we were hoping to have more friends and family to help us out with childcare so I could get a small part time job or do some side jobs to bring a little more income in. Of course, plans changed again because it was a bit of a challenge for Derek to even find employment with a degree in Business Administration so finding a part time job for myself was kind of put on hold.

I'm a firm believer in things happening for a reason. We worked so hard to get to where we were, struggled BIG TIME throughout our lives together trying to make our bill deadlines, provide a great life for our child and to top it all off, we took a HUGE risk to move across Washington state, with no jobs, to be with family. All of that sacrifice and risk IMMEDIATELY started to pay off once we arrived back to our hometown. Not even a week and a half after we moved here, Derek was offered a job as a teller at a local bank. HALLELUJAH! Now that we had a steady income, I very quickly got in touch with Destiny again to go over our finances to see if we could do absolutely anything to start changing our situation.

Destiny helped me hash out what things we needed to cut out of our lives, what budgets we needed to look at implementing, and once I got the hang of what she was trying to accomplish with me and our family, she introduced me to Dave Ramsey's program. With most great programs, you usually need to invest some money into them to get ahold of their resources revolving around the program. Unfortunately, Derek and I could not afford the books and supplies we needed to get going with DR's program, but Destiny did help us find his "7 Baby Steps" online that were FREE to get us started. It was a GREAT starting point!

Baby Step 1 - We got our emergency fund started. It didn't take us very long to get it done, because what we did was Dave said by doing whatever it took to get it started up fast! Sell stuff you don't need! LOL! And that's exactly what we did! I can't even begin to tell all of you what we felt when we finished Baby Step 1. We could NEVER keep anything in our savings for more than a month before it was spent. It was an awful feeling having to turn to family and ask for help when we hit unexpected expenses in our lives. Thankfully everyone in our family is so wonderful, they never hesitated because they all knew we would do everything in our power to pay them back...and we did, but it just took a little longer than normal. Anyways, the peace that was brought to us just by having that savings, was INCREDIBLE. That's all I can do to explain it.

The universe, Dave Ramsey Gods or whoever must have noticed how hard we worked and how dedicated we were to make this happen, because shortly after we completed the first step, we were given Dave's entire book and audio collection from some super close friends of ours that weren't using it at the time. That collection is worth around $250 and it was just given to us to use. We felt so blessed and it was just the kick in the butt we needed to really start changing our financial situation. Derek and I could NOT put any of the books down until we were done reading them. I think I read Dave's book Complete Guide to Money in just about two nights.

Now, I have to tell you, we're still only on Step 2 of the 7 Baby Steps and we've been KILLING the 2nd step! :-) It's a process. It's not some "overnight miracle cure" to getting out of financial stress. It takes time, but I will be the one to tell you that it's SO worth it! The Debt Snowball is an addiction, a great addiction, I might add! ;-) Once you get going on your Debt Snowball, you seriously get the biggest rush seeing your debt just disappear! Don't just take my word for it, try it out for yourself! HAHA! Make it fun, do stuff to personalize, set goals, make it a fun competition with your spouse or partner. GET EXCITED because it's changing your lives forever in one of the best ways possible! The key to getting through this baby step is to stay committed and motivated. There were a few times where we were feeling pretty defeated because it's summer and there are so many fun things that we wanted to save for and do, so we didn't get to attack our debt like we were in the beginning. I hate how I just made that sound like a bad thing, because we were still able to do fun stuff and pay CASH for it. We never had to worry about a monthly reminder in the form of a bill to come back and bite us in the butt like we did in the past because the only way we could do fun stuff was charge it! BOO! We had to remember to look at the BIGGER picture every time we got discouraged. Just 9 short months after we moved here, we paid off $8,000 in debt, which included paying off our truck, paying off all our credit cards and all the while cash flowing major purchases such as new sets of wheels/tires, trips, etc. It is the most THRILLING thing ever, to say, WE PAID CASH for everything we do or everything we purchase! There are no linger bills or billing statements in the mail, nothing. SO COOL!

As of right now, all we have left is our student loans, which we have set up on an Income Based Repayment plan. I don't suggest doing this unless you are REALLY struggling with making the minimum payments, but Derek and I applied to do this with our loans when he was working two jobs and going to school since our income was very inconsistent. We have to continue to check in with our loan companies each year so they make adjustments based off our income. You CAN stop being on IBR at any time, but for now, while we still live with my parents and try to save up our fully funded emergency fund (which is actually Baby Step 3 - I'll explain more later in this post), we are sticking to the IBR plan.

Another thing that helped us stay extra motivated was getting people involved that were curious about what we were doing. My inlaws were so stunned by how we were doing on this program, they had to know what it was about, so having someone do it with us was so much fun. It was great checking in with one another and having that accountability is always nice. Shortly after that, I had another close friend named Zoe, who started picking my brain about Dave's program and before she knew it, she was WELL on her way to having a better financial lifestyle. To read about the beginning of Zoe's financial journey, you can go HERE ;-) You'll be able to find more of her journey by searching around her blog.

We also quickly discovered that there were more people in our lives already following DR's program than we realized. It kind of makes me sad that people on this program don't talk about it more, but on the flip side of that I can see why most don't, finances are a very personal topic to discuss at all, not everyone is comfortable with doing that.

As mentioned earlier, we are kind of doing Baby Steps 2 and 3 side by side, or more like, now that we only have student loan debt left, we've put Baby Step 2 "on hold" (but still making minimum payments on the loans) while we tackle Baby Step 3. We decided that even though it is deviating away from Dave's original plan, we wanted to have a fully funded emergency fund so that we could start looking for a house to buy. We have went back and forth on this SO much. We struggled with straying from the program because it is proven to work but with our situation, living with my parents and not being able to rent a place cheap enough and safe enough to continue with paying off debt, getting a home with a mortgage payment that was cheaper than monthly rent in this area, is just the better choice for us. However, we agreed that if we were going to stray from the original plan, we needed to have another STRICT plan in place, it was a must. We have been confiding in Destiny again for help and sort of a way to keep us in "check". Once we did that, we've been doing amazing ever since. Having a strict plan within the plan made a huge difference. Once we buy a home, we are right back to tackling student loan debt until it's GONE! I cannot freakin wait! :-)

We have been doing this all on ONE income that is under $30,000. We always get "that look" when we share that information with others and the first thing that people say to us is "that's because you're living with your parents and not paying rent." WRONG. We ARE paying my parents rent, not that it should matter. What made this all happen for us, was finding our "rude awakening" - our spending. We were TERRIBLE spenders and you will find a lot of people that will tell you that simply setting up a budget was what made the biggest difference. Us creating our budget was our big change that made this all possible. We don't overspend, we don't live beyond our means, we don't buy everything we thing we need, we are always doing the "need or want" game when it comes to purchases. We started telling our money what to do and where to go, and that freed up SO much "extra" money for us.

I'm willing to bet that almost EVERYONE will go through some kind of financial struggle at some point in their lives. It's what we choose to do about it when that times comes, that will shape us and our financial futures. My husband and I chose to "change our family tree" so that our children will learn to never struggle with money like we did, or at least we will do everything we can to give them the tools to be successful with money and whether they choose to be smart about money or not. Having debt is NOT a good thing. No matter what people tell you, don't live beyond your means, it's NOT worth it.

**Disclaimer - to make Dave's program work for you, you MUST MUST MUST want to change your BEHAVIOR not just little things here and there. If you can't change your behavior, this will not work for you. Dave preaches about changing your behavior in the very beginning of his book Complete Guide to Money. I was in no way asked or paid to write this blog post. I'm sharing it because it's hard not to talk about something that we are extremely grateful for that has transformed out lives FOREVER.**

I was in NO way paid or compensated for writing this post. I'm just THAT passionate about this and I'm a living breathing advocate for Dave's Program because my family is proof that it IS successful! You just have to make it successful and CHOOSE to be successful at it :-)

I LOVE talking about Dave's program and my husband and I love being some what of financial "counselors" so if you all have ANY questions, or want to know MORE, PLEASE PLEASE ask! It took one person telling me their story and their success to get us well on our way, so I hope we can do the same for you!!

Baby E's Birth Story

 

SHE is here!!! Meet Baby E :-)

8lbs 3oz of perfection!

DO NOT COPY - All Rights Reserved

Baby E decided to make her appearance on Oct 13th (so don't mind that I'm just NOW getting to post her birth story almost two months later haha)

At little background info...with Miss K, we had a hospital induced birth just two days past my due date. It was awful as far as it not being what we thought, but it definitely wasn't the experience we pictured (we didn't have an unrealistic expectation either) but we knew that when Miss K's birth was done, that we wanted a different experience the next time around. We did our research and realized that we really wanted to give a natural, unmedicated, out of hospital birth a shot if everything went well with my pregnancy.

Shortly after we moved back to our hometown, I started heavily researching midwives and free standing birth centers in the area. We came across Around the Circle Midwifery and their Birth House. We heard nothing but amazing things about this place, so we set up a meeting with them once we found out I was pregnant with baby #2. We were paired up with our wonderful midwife Christy and her assistant Jenny, who was actually a licensed midwife in Texas but after they moved to WA she's been having issues getting licensed here so she has to act as an assistant instead. They were newly hired to ATC just before we called to set up our appointment.

In Washington State, you can legally give birth in a free standing birth house from 37-42 weeks. When I hit 40 weeks, I'm not sure why, but I was starting to get nervous about hitting 42 weeks. I would have been OKAY if I ended up having to have a hospital birth at 42 weeks but I so desperately wanted my natural birth experience. At my 40 week appointment (where I was actually 40 weeks and 3 days), I was hoping for a great report because the entire week leading up to that appointment I was having LOTS of Braxton Hicks contractions. I'll admit I was extremely bummed when Christy said I was only 3cm which is what I was the week before. UGH. So, three days later a day before I was 41 weeks, I had a total meltdown (damn hormones) about how I was so not wanting to hit 42 weeks, etc.

Well, I am convinced that I just needed to vent and have that meltdown because the very next morning at 5:45am I was awakened by some very nice contractions that immediately started at 5-7 mins apart. Christy told us that we didn't need to call her until the contractions were consistent and lasted at least two hours. We waited, they lasted two hours, we called her. She told me I could labor at home for as long as I wanted and just to shoot her a call when I felt I needed to come in or if I was having a hard time coping with my contractions on my own.

I wanted to make sure that I did everything I could to keep labor progressing so Derek and I put some warm clothes on and went for a walk down our driveway. I got halfway down our mile long driveway before I finally wanted to turn back. I wanted to go back to sleep lol! Labor lasted all morning, contractions stayed consistently at 5-7 minutes apart but continued to get more intense at the same time. I was actually incredibly surprised that the contractions were "easy" to get through and manage. I was pretty nervous about how I would do when the time came and if I could handle them. I also found it interesting how some pain management techniques would work at different points in my labor. For example, in the beginning, it felt amazing to have Derek put pressure on my spine right between my hips, but at about half way through labor, it didn't feel good at all. Every once in a while I would lay down on my side, get up and walk around the house/outside or I would stand by our couch and rest against it while I squatted during contractions, it was pretty cool to just experience labor and listen to what my body was telling me.

Around 12:30pm I was starting to realize that we still had a 35-40 minute drive ahead of us to get to the birth center and the idea of being strapped down in a car not being able to move around was starting to go through my mind. It also made me realize that I wasn't quite sure when I should make the call to head in. I called Christy at that point and picked her brain, she asked me questions, listened while I went through a couple contractions to see how I handled them and then suggested that we meet her at the Birth House at 2pm. That really got me excited! Between that phone call and getting in the truck to head out, my labor changed, became a little more intense, which was probably the most entertaining thing for anyone that passed us on the freeway and saw my facial expressions. I'm sure I looked like I was about to tear in half because sitting in that damn seat with my seat belt on, not getting to do ANYTHING to help with the contractions, SUCKED. Period. Flat. out. sucked! I had about 5-6 contractions on the way there which wasn't TOO bad, but still, I would have had like about ZERO. haha!

We arrived at the Birth House, they brought me into the exam room to check my vitals, see how I was feeling, how the baby was doing and then wanted to check my progress. I asked them not to tell me how dilated I was because I didn't want to get wrapped up in numbers. I knew I was in active labor, it was progressing at a GREAT pace, so why find out how dilated I was?! One thing I kind of found hilarious was how Christy had to really contort her body in different ways to work with me as I moved around how I needed to get through contractions to listen to the baby as I went through them hahaha! At this point, Christy and Jenny officially "welcomed" us to being officially checked into the BH. I thought that was adorable because we all had like a mini celebration/dance party.

Once we were done celebrating all that awesomeness, Jenny told me to walk to the local grocery store about 4-5 blocks away to go get something to eat and keep things moving along. Before we left, the funniest thing that came out of Jenny's mouth was "don't let anyone call an ambulance on you, we've had that happen before!" ;-) With that thought in mind, as I walked out the door, I won't lie, I was a little self conscious about how people would see me when I went through contractions. When I would deal with contractions, I would hold onto Derek and do this low (sometimes loud) moaning growl while squatting really low to the ground and sway at the same time. On the way there, one car actually pulled over to us and was asking if we were okay. We also had my dearest friend Aimee there so she helped move people along as they showed concern. It was sweet and way hilarious. So, I had a couple good contractions on the way to the store and when we got there, I almost didn't want to go in, because it was an enclosed building, and I wasn't a quiet person during this process by any means. I pushed myself in there, started searching for food and a contraction comes along....surprisingly, not even one person batted an eye. This made sense because I'm not the first laboring mother from ATC that has been sent her during labor so I'm sure that they were all way used to it. I had one more contraction before leaving the store and as I waited outside for Derek to pay for our lunch, I had a few really good contractions super close together and I was ready to get back to the BH. During this time, Aimee was letting my parents know that if they wanted to go out and about for a while, they had time to do so, so they left for Costco.

We arrived back at the BH and started eating lunch. I got two bits into my pasta salad and BOOM! All I remember at that point was that I got on the floor on my hands and knees and had three SUPER intense contractions stacked right on top of each other. *Little did I know, Aimee was asking Derek for my Mom's cell number to get them back ASAP because she knew that "this was happening BIG TIME"* My midwives heard me from the back of the BH and walked into the waiting area to see how I was doing. They encouraged us to start heading back to our birth suite to get settled. During one of my prenatal visits I remember talking about how I wanted to try to labor in the tub as much as possible and that they really try to make sure you don't get in too early so that when you really want it to work for you it does, because if you get in too early, it might not be as effective. When I walked into my room, they immediately asked me if I wanted to get in the tub, I was totally stunned thinking that there was no way I was close enough to get in. I didn't feel like it was that "bad" at that point to be getting in but I went with the flow because I trusted them.

Ladies, let me tell you, that tub, was. HEAVEN. It didn't take the pain away from the contractions a whole lot, but it took the edge off for sure and almost shifted them. If that makes any sense. It was the fact that gravity was taken out of the equation. I had insane back labor with Miss K  and this baby so it was amazing to not have the contractions centralized there. When I first got in, I wanted the tub to myself with Derek tub side. He made sure I stayed hydrated and fed me some pasta salad every once in a while, he was amazing. At some point my midwives had me step out of the tub and labor in the bathroom while they drained and refilled the tub so it continued to have a good effect on my labor. I did NOT want to get out! When I got out, that's when I realized how effective the tub was helping with my labor. They basically just wanted to have me try different things to see what I really liked and the tub was it. I appreciated that they were having me do different things because I've never had a natural child birth and looked to them for guidance on pain management, so it was great.

Once I got back in the tub, my labor because super intense and I knew I wanted Derek to get in with me. He got in the tub and sat behind me. It was absolutely crazy how soothing it was to have Derek behind me holding me. It helped me relax on a whole other level that I didn't think I could reach, not that I wasn't doing okay, but anything else that helped was a bonus. I could also tell it was a big deal for him too because I felt through his energy that he was finally happy to be holding me and comfort me during the process since partners really can't relate to what you're going through and I'm sure most of them feel helpless through the process. For the first part of being back in the tub, being on my hands and knees just felt better to me, because the idea of being on my back was not so great lol. Then out of no where, my labor turned BIG TIME. It was almost like a switch was flipped. My movements changed, the noises I was making changed drastically and I could tell by every one's faces in the room that "this was it" our baby was coming at that moment.

I seriously can't say enough how cool and crazy it was to just witness my body doing it's own thing. I honestly had NO control over what was happening and not ONCE did I ever have to push. My body literally pushed our baby out on it's own. It was SO cool! I wish I could explain better, but it's hard to do so. When she started to crown, I had a tiny moment where I lost a little control because I felt that I was going to (*Warning - possible TMI) tear UP instead of tear DOWN....OUCH....so I started panicking a little saying "I'm tearing up, I'm tearing up, not down!" and right then, they had me flip over to my back (which I was nervous about but thankfully for being in the tub, I just floated and it was amazing) and Derek snuggled me right up, it was perfect. Flipping over helped a little but I still felt like I was going to tear up, just not as badly.

It all happened SO fast to me. Next, I remember Jenny having to yell in my ear (because it was SO hard to hear or focus on anyone at that point) telling me how to breath, then Christy and Jenny were asking me to see if I wanted to look down at Evie or if I wanted a mirror to see her but I honestly couldn't bend forward because it made contractions more intense for me and I was getting uncomfy so I decided not to, but I did feel her coming out which was perfect for me. It was SO freakin cool! Then, BAM, Evie came RIGHT out all in one motion, Christy put her on my chest and I immediately started BALLING. I. HAD. DONE. IT! I just birthed this perfect little person, out of a hospital, with no drugs. It was a couple minutes before I even checked to see if baby was a boy or a girl. When things settled just a little, Christy ask Derek if he wanted to see if we had a little girl or boy and I looked up, saw my mom balling and she started yelling "WE HAVE AN EVIE, WE HAVE AN EVIE", it was another perfect moment.

There were SO many reasons why we chose this route for out birth this time around. Miss K's birth wasn't HORRIBLE, in fact, it was about the "best" as it could be for being a scheduled induction, but we felt so disappointed on so many levels. We were promised so much and were totally let down. The thing that bothered me the most was that my OBGYNs talked up husband involvement during birth only to find out that 98% of the time they basically pushed him out of the way. We felt out of the loop the entire time which really played a huge role into how scared we were about things happening. We were never informed about anything unless we asked a ton of questions to pry out information. We had a very sweet labor and delivery team at the hospital, but we just felt so uncomfortable the entire time. Then, because I had a pitocin induced birth, Miss K came out with erratic breathing and they had to take her away from me SECONDS after her coming out and I almost hemorrhaged :-( All were side effects of getting pitocin. We mostly felt like objects, not people and that everyone was so eager to get the whole thing done, it was hard to enjoy the experience, which really upset us because we were having our first baby! It was a BIG deal! Another reason we chose the Birth House was for breastfeeding benefits and a more relaxing/laid back experience. Unmedicated babies tend to have more success. The recovery process was another big one. And lastly, I thought I was fine with the idea of an epidural, but when I got it with Miss K, it REALLY bothered me that I couldn't feel what was happening.

Don't get me wrong....I'm EXTREMELY happy that we have such advanced medicine for when it's absolutely necessary to need it. I'm just not a fan of modern medicine when it's not needed but pushed. I'm a FIRM believer that childbirth is a very natural process that does not need medical intervention if there isn't anything wrong and that a woman has a very healthy pregnancy. OF COURSE, I'm not stubborn to the point where I would refuse medical intervention if it was absolutely necessary...period :-) But why seek it before you need it? ;-)

In all the books I read to prepare us for this experience, every single one of the stories that I read, women said that it was the most empowering experience of their lives. And it was. It was SO incredible to just witness how powerful a woman's body is when it's left alone during childbirth. What was more amazing was how graceful, beautiful, and CALM the whole entire process was even though I'm sure that the people attending my birth might not always have thought so because of what I did that felt best to get through it....let's just say I sounded like a grizzly bear most of the time ;-)

I know that no matter what, I could have done this every time, but what made it so amazing was my birth team. I think it is SO important to surround yourself with people that you are okay with seeing you at your most vulnerable, because you WILL be super vulnuerable and if you feel uncomforable or anxious at all, it WILL affect you and your labor. The mind is very powerful ;-)

My birth team consisted of:

Our wonderful midwives Christy and Jenny at Around the Circle Midwifery. These ladies were "the bomb"! The care and attention that we received was spectacular. They end up becoming very dear friends during the process. They always answered our questions/concerns and went above and beyond to make sure that we were completely comfortable and confident. I can't thank these women enough!

My absolute wonderful and closest friend Aimee - She was our rock. There is nothing I can do or say that can TRULY express my thankfulness and gratitude toward this women, but I'm going to try to do so for the rest of our lives! After having two home births herself, she was my go to gal! Not only was she my go to gal because of her experience with births, but she was just another amazing sole that truly appreciated the miracle of the whole process to its core like I did. She had been with me since the day I got to tell her we were trying to have another baby, to the day that stick said positive, to the moment E was born. She showed up with us at the BH and helped me cope with labor and was just the most amazing advocate for Derek and I. Her presence was so comforting. She really took the time to help put our families at ease (we were the first ones to have an out of hospital birth on either side of the family) and it really made the experience that much more enjoyable for everyone. Once Derek and I got into a great rhythm, she stepped back and took the most STUNNING photographs of us (which are the ones you are seeing in this post). The first image I shared, I will always teasure that photo and what it means to me. That first image, was the empitomy of our birth experience wrapped in that single photo. I cry everytime I look at it to this day!

My Mama - Even though our original plan was not to have family in the room with us like we had it for K's birth, but I'm SO thankful that it worked out that way that it did and that she was in there with us. There was something incredible about having my mom in there and being able to have her there to witness that beautiful experience that I didn't think I needed or didn't realize I missed out on with Miss K's birth. She was a little hesitant about the idea of an out of hospital birth, but to see what that experience did to her persepective once it was done, was PRICELESS! What I really love, since it was a bit difficult for me to look to see E coming out and that Derek was behind me so he really couldn't see, was that my Mom was there and had a front row seat to E's birth. I'm super thankful of that because seeing the look on her face when it happened will be another moment that I deeply cherish for the rest of my life. You can't fake that kind of excitement or emotion.

Derek - Lordy, I could write another novel about this man. His touch made everything less intense and calmed me, the energy and love he was emitting the entire time was incredible and whether he knows it or not, did SO much for me. To finally get that birthing experience that we always hoped for together was unbelievable. If it was even possible, I love him even more. The coolest part, when things finally slowed down and we were able to share our thoughts about the experience, he told me that he almost felt like he could feel what I was going through. Like when I went through a contraction, he could feel my pain and it gave him a better sense of what he needed to do to help comfort me I guess, if that makes sense. I know that's a little corny sounding but it's true. I actually read in one of Ina May's books that a lot of husbands would say that when the couple became "one" with their energies. PRETTY. STINKIN. AMAZING stuff! I love you so much Derek and I really look forward to more experiences like this with you!

If there is anything I want you (as women) to take away from this, it's that, YOU HAVE A CHOICE to have your perfect birth. You have OPTIONS and you CAN do it! If you're thinking about starting a family or adding to your family or even if you're pregnant while reading this, it's NEVER too late to look at your options and pick what's best for you and your new little family. Everyone is different, some may feel better about hospital births, others may want a birth center like we did and then there are those that feel home births are the best choice. No matter how you bring a baby into this world, FEEL CONFIDENT about the choices you make. NEVER make decisions based on everyone else's opinion or emotions, NEVER make decisions based on misinformation. RESEARCH! :-) Information is POWER. Scared or curious about certain things, for example, are you curious about having an out of hospital birth but don't know where to start, ASK SOMEONE :-) Unfortunately, more often than not, you'll hear horror stories before hearing success stories...just remember that ;-) There are LOTS of great birth stories out there to be told :-)

If there is absolutely anything you would love to know that I didn't mention or talk about in this post about E's birth, PLEASE ask. I LOVE talking about it and could honestly talk about this stuff all day long! ;-)

Thank you all so much for reading about our experience and I really hope someone can gain something from it because there need to be more amazing birth stories out there like this one :-)


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UPDATE

I've been asked a lot of questions that I figured I would add to this post in case some of you have the same ones ;-)
 - At any point, did I want pain medication?

No. Not one second of the whole process did I feel like I needed pain medication or interventions. I will tell you right now, it is 95% MENTAL and only 5% PHYSICAL. Your body knows EXACTLY what to do during childbirth (there are some that need a little help, but mostly, the body knows).

- What did you do to prepare yourself for your birth?

I read A LOT of books! We didn't have the opportunity to take child birth classes due to Derek's work schedule, so I read and read and read. Here is a list of the books I read...

Ina May's Guide to Childbirth - Ina May Gaskin
*this book is A-MAZING and I HIGHLY recommend it.
Spritual Midwifery - Ina May Gaskin
Birthing from Within -

Additional books that I had but didn't get to that were suggested to me....

Hypnobirthing -

- Did it hurt?

Let me put it this way....is surely doesn't TICKLE lol! ;-) But, the key is to not focus on the pain. The key is to NOT anticipate contractions. Let a contraction come, deal with it how you feel is most comfortable and then RELAX once it's over. That's it. To be super honest, once Miss E was out, I already forgot what the pain was like just seconds after she was born. Another VERY VERY important thing is to remember that the pain isn't going to kill you. It's your body and mind's natural response to want to "run away from" or do what you need to get rid of the pain, but that isn't going to happen until baby is out, so just stay relaxed and let it happen. That seriously made a huge difference in how I approached my labor. I also did A LOT of different things to see what worked best for me when it came to managing the pain. I would squat, sway back and forth, have Derek or Aimee apply pressure to my spine between my hips, lay on my side, get on my hands and knees....you get the idea ;-)

- Did you stay at the Birth House overnight?

No. Washington State laws require that you be discharged from a free standing birth center within 5 hours after having your baby. We were actually discharged 3 hours after E was born and it was SO nice to be able to go home and be in our own bed and where we were most comfortable.

- Did the idea of having to go home so soon after birth freak us out?

Yes, it did a little at first but your midwives should equip you will all the info you need to know, to make the transition at home for the first 48 hours smoothly. We also had a 24 hour appointment, then a 3-5 day follow up with our midwife so it's not like once you leave, you're on your own. They really monitor you and make sure things are okay. It was a little unnerving that we were responsible for me and the baby so quickly after birth since when we had Miss K at a hospital, they did all the checking and fixing and monitoring but it wasn't bad at all. I actually appreciated that we were encouraged to pay more attention to my body and our newborn.

- Did it feel like your labor took forever?

My labor with K was 14 hours. I was always told that "typically" each child you have after the first, the labors are shorter. Well, E's labor WAS shorter, but it was still 12 hours from when I was awakened by contractions to when she was born. However, when I was in really active labor, that part was way shorter and she came out much faster than K did. I pushed 45 mins with K. In all honesty, once I was in really active labor, I had no concept of time what so ever. In fact, I felt like it all happened so much faster than it actually did. It seemed like we were only at the BH for an hour before she was born, rather than 3 hours.

*WARNING - this one is a little much info, but I seriously keep getting asked, so I'm answering*

- Did you pee and poop in the tub during labor?

Yep. It's GOING to happen. Did we ever once think about it or were we ever bothered by it...not at all. When you're in active labor, that last thing you're going to think about is if you excrete into the tub. Plus, my midwives were super awesome about keeping the water clean if something did happen because I NEVER noticed it. I was able to eat and drink during my entire labor so of course it's going to happen ;-) And no, it didn't bother Derek either because he was so focused on what he was doing for me. You seriously don't notice it, and WHO CARES?! LOL! :-)

- Would you do this all over again? Would you change anything?

I would do this again in a freakin heartbeat! Actually, we are looking to have a home birth next time, if where we are at a point in our lives where we can, when we think about having another. I wouldn't change a single thing about our experience....not ONE thing. I'll forever look back on this day and think how truly incredible it was. It was perfection. It was absolutely miraculous and beautiful. Here are a few more photos from our birth....MUCH more to come ;-)

DO NOT COPY - All Rights Reserved

DO NOT COPY - All Rights Reserved

DO NOT COPY - All Rights Reserved

Potty Training "Boot Camp"

OHHHHHH potty training. I had a HUGE love/hate relationship with the idea of starting you. I HATED to admit that my "baby" girl was already at this point in her life, but I LOVED the idea that we would soon be diaper free! (hahaha - did I say "soon"?!)

Around Sept of 2012 Miss K started showing signs of "readiness" for potty training, but there was absolutely NO way in heck that Derek and I were about to tackle such a huge project like that with her, just before a huge move across the state of Washington. We were up to our eyeballs in boxes and bubble wrap, adding potty training to the mix may have just put off the deep end. We told ourselves, after we move and get settled, we're going to start potty training her no matter what. Well, we got settled, then it was Christmas. We couldn't possibly handle potty training during such a busy time of traveling around, celebrating and not being able to give our child our full attention to accomplish such a big task. Once Christmas was over, then it was "as soon as we buy the next big box of diapers, we'll start talking to Miss K about potty training and get her ready. After a few months of buying new big boxes of diapers, along Miss K's 3rd birthday QUICKLY approaching, we knew we were making excuses.

Around March, we decided to just do it. We NEEDED to start the process of potty training. I did so much research, that I'm pretty sure everyone around me was getting sick of the fact that it was all I could talk about. What potty we should get, to what techniques we thought we might try, to oooooing and ahhhing over all the cute underwear out there that we could buy her. Out of all the research I did, the method that everyone seemed to rave about was "potty training in one weekend", or what I like to call "Potty Training Boot Camp". The main idea is that you have the potty with the child in every room, when something starts to happen, race the kiddo to the potty and by the time the weekend is over, they are suppose to understand the basic concept of what it's all about. Of course, there is A LOT more to it than what I just mentioned, but for the sake of not writing a novel within a novel, that's the jist of it ;-)

Here's the breakdown of how it all went...

Potty Training Prep
The weekend before we decided to do the boot camp, we had purchased THIS book for Miss K (which ended up being one of the best books I could find because she could really relate to it), talked to her all the time about how she's going to start using the big girl potty soon, etc. Then I got all the potties clean, stickers for rewards were ready, house vacuumed, area rugs were rolled up and stored away, and every night that week my mind was racing while lying in bed thinking of everything we still needed or forgot to tackle before the next three days began.

Day 1 of Boot Camp
Miss K woke up at 7:45am (which is not what I was hoping for, since Derek and I got NO sleep the night before because we were too anxious about it all). We stripped her down to nothing but her birthday suit because being bottomless was what the program recommended and K was going through an "I hate clothing" phase anyways, so naked was what we got. Next, we took her to the bathroom with us, showed her how it was done, celebrated when the adults used the potty, went through the steps (wipe, flush, wash hands, reward).

At breakfast, she sat on her potty seat while she watched Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood where it talks about "if you have to go potty, STOP, and go right away". We offered her any drink she would take to get fluids in her. Unfortunately, nothing happened in the potty during breakfast, which by then she was pretty done with the potty seat already and wanted to go play. She got up to play around and.....thank god for hardwood floors! She had her first accident. We tried racing her to the potty but we didn't make it fast enough to get even a tiny bit in there to make the potty sing to show her what happens. So, we went back to offering her all kinds of drinks - water, juice, milk, lots and lots of water. Then the waiting started again.

At 9:03am - first pee!!! This time we were ready and got her on the potty just in time for it to catch something! The look on her face was priceless when her potty started singing! PHEW! So far, so good. She thought it was hilarious.

At 10:07am - she ended up peeing on the floor so we raced her to the potty and out of no where she screamed so hard and we think it's because she thought sitting on the potty was a punishment or she was feeling anxious with us all watching her and wanted nothing more to do with what we had planned for her that day around potty training. We decided to stop immediately since we didn't want her to associate using the potty as a bad thing. I figured if we waited a couple weeks she would forget and not associate it with being bad anymore :(

We, not so patiently, waited those few weeks, NO ONE was allowed to mention anything about using the potty during that time and we tried again, but this time we didn't want to do the weekend boot camp. During those few weeks, anytime she has asked to sit on the potty, we humored her. However, the SECOND we would enter the bathroom, she's completely fall apart so we just told her that it was okay and that she didn't have to if she didn't want to, and we praised her for even telling us she wanted to try.

It was really hard to go through that because my husband and I felt that we failed miserably and we became disappointed in ourselves thinking we did so much wrong. We immediately started reaching out to other parents, friends, family members, asked for help on how to get ourselves out of this "hole" we created. My cousin gave us a DVD that she used with her toddler, she had a tough time potty training her daughter too so we gave it a try. Miss K liked it, but still could care less about toilets and what potty training was about. A week later we actually had a visit with Miss K's new pediatrician. She suggested that we just drop the subject with her altogether until SHE was ready, but at this point, she wasn't having it. I really hate to admit this, but I didn't really like that idea because Miss K turned 3 shortly after our first attempt and we both felt so pressured as parents to have a potty trained three year old. Thankfully we were reassured that it wasn't uncommon for girls to not potty train until almost 4 years of age.

While we waited, the guilt and pressure were killing us. There were moments where her 2 and 3 year old cousins that were potty trained were asking "why does she wear diapers" when they didn't. There were also our friends and family that wanted to have K over, or babysit but we couldn't bring ourselves to let anyone watch her because we didn't want them to have to deal with changing her poopy diapers. What we didn't anticipate was all of the support our friends and family gave us and how they helped encourage us that potty training happening at the age of three isn't unheard of and completely normal. A dear friend of mine had the best timing one day when I was feeling really defeated thinking I was going to have an unpotty trained preschooler for the rest of my life, shared this blog post she found from another mother and I died of laughter...

http://www.makeit-loveit.com/2011/10/potty-training-almost-sent-me-to-therapy.html

With my new found inspiration after reading that blog post, I was ready to tackle it all again when the time came!

ROUND TWO!
Well, it came WAY sooner and WAY more unexpectedly than we thought. I was at my sewing machine one afternoon when Miss K approached me, pointed to her diaper and said, "Mama, I pooped, change my butt". I said, "Okie dokie, let Mommy finish this one little part of her sewing and I will change you." It was almost like someone flipped a switch and she hit the floor and threw the biggest tantrum I've ever seen come out of her! It was shocking and kind of freaked me out because she'd never really done that before. It was at the very moment where I decided there was no more waiting until she initiated potty training. After our three year old told me when she went in her diaper AND had a super meltdown when I wouldn't immediately get up to change her when I was literally thirty seconds from getting out of my chair to do so, that night, we had a little ceremony where we told her diapers goodbye by throwing them in the garbage. I know our approach this time was a little "harsh" but there was just no way after that whole episode that we were going to wait until she told us she was ready. Once we "threw away" her diapers, I had a big discussion with her about how she's a big girl, that big girls wear underwear and use the potty. I asked her if she wanted to use her little singing potty or the BIG kid potty. She expressed interest only in the big potty. Just by her making that choice felt like progress.

As soon as Miss K went to bed, her Dad and I went into overdrive that night with a late night run to Walmart to get all the supplies and goodies we needed to start this adventure the next day. We actually started to have a lot of fun with it...so much fun, in fact...we're the kind of dorks that created "THE POTTY FAIRY!" Yes, The Potty Fairy. Like Santa, The Potty Fairy, left a present for Miss K to open the next morning when she woke up. It was genius! She thought it was the coolest thing ever that she was left a present from The Potty Fairy! And so potty training began....again!

What we did differently this time around.....

Instead of watching her like a hawk like we did the first time, we sat her on the potty every half hour or so. She was put in her brand new Angry Birds underwear during the entire day and wore pull ups at night, rather than just letting her run around bottomless and putting her in diapers again at night. Putting her in diapers at night was definitely not an option anymore since we said goodbye to them. There were a few times where she resisted and we still refused to force her, so we just stuck with what we were doing. Here is what our first day looked like...

Day 1 - Attempt #2 - late May 2013
Right when she woke up, she opened her gift from the PF and we explained every part of what was in the gift. She seemed super anxious to use her new potty seat that she received, it felt like we were off to a great start. She still initally resisted getting on the potty the first time, but after we bribed her with a new lap tray with brand new markers that she received for her 3rd birthday a few weeks prior, she decided sitting on the potty wasn't so bad if she had something to do.

Our Schedule:

- From 7:30am-10:45am we sat her on the potty about every 15 minutes but around the end of that time frame, she had her first accident of the day. She started to get a little upset, but we reassured her that it was OKAY, just to make sure that next time she let us know when she has to go.
- 11:00 am: Snacktime - gold fish crackers, raisans, banana
- 12:00pm: sat on the potty (we noticed her undies were a little damp, but that was all). Nothing happening during that potty visit.
- 12:40pm: sat on potty - nothing.
- 1:00pm: sat on the potty - nothing
- 1:25pm: another accident - I caught her midstream and I calmly sat her on the potty. She had a meltdown :-( For some reason, that meltdown was really hard for me to handle, I completely fell apart WITH her. I know I shouldn't have lost it like that and cried in front of her, but it really seemed to help us both at the time haha!
- 2:15pm: attempted to sit her on the potty again, she had insane meltdowns and tantrums for 45 minutes and NOTHING was calming her down. We hung out in the bathroom until she calmed herself down, she actually didn't even try to get off the potty during that whole time, I would have let her if she wanted to get off. Once she was done I immediately convinced her to get off because I'm sure her poor bum was totally sore. I felt like the WORST mom in the world for "doing this to her" even though I honestly just sat there when I realized nothing was helping. I was so upset thinking K was totally hating us for "torturing" her. I had another meltdown (out of sight) and I think we both needed another good cry because then at....
- 4:25: sat on the potty - SUCCESS!!!!!! We did a HUGE happy dance, celebrated, did the whole routine, she was so happy and proud of herself (and so was I haha!!).
- 5:10pm: accident
- 5:30pm: accident
- 6:00pm: dinner time
- 6:20pm: sat on the potty - nothing
- 6:40pm: sat on the potty - nothing
- 7:00pm: bedtime

Even though we only had one actual success on the potty that day, it was all that Miss K seemed to need. The next day, she hopped right out of bed, ran in to get us to tell us she needed to go potty! I was SO shocked that after just ONE day (a super rough day), that she was going to do that the next morning! It was like Christmas because Derek and I both jumped straight out of bed and ran to help her! It was great! After day one, every other day seemed like a cake walk. It took about 2 months of us talking to K about using the potty and getting her to learn about the sensation of having to use the bathroom when she had to go. I can honestly say that after 2 months of staying consistent and with lots of practice, Miss K totally had the concept and routine of potty training down. It was probably much sooner than that, but I'm being generous because I can't remember exactly how long it took.

Here we are, in August, and I'm relieved to report that our kiddo is POTTY TRAINED! Sure, we still have accidents every now and then depending on her mood but as of right now, the only time she has accidents are when she physically  just doesn't want to make the choice to get off her tooshie or come in the house when she's outside, to use the potty.

One other tid bit of information I wanted to share, that was shared with me, that I felt was so important to hear...DAYTIME and NIGHTTIME potty training are two COMPLETELY different concepts. Nighttime training usually takes a lot longer than daytime training. Most kids will usually have accidents at night well into elementary school. Training your body to use the bathroom at night is tough stuff for sure.

I hope that this insane novel of a post has helped someone out there that is either dreading the process or needing some encouragement because if you're struggling, YOU'RE NOT ALONE! It happens!!! I hope I didn't scare anyone about potty training but the biggest thing is to just be patient, expect ups and downs, and STAY CONSISTENT! It's all so very worth it and it gets to the point where all of you are celebrating all the time. I think the best part for me is when Miss K comes to "report" what she has done, and even though it's been a few months of training already, she still gets JUST as excited as she did on day one. It's adorable! It makes all those tough times seem like they were nothing.

I would love to hear any one's stories/fears/successes about their potty training journeys! You never know, there may be another Mama out there somewhere reading this that needs a little pick me up or some hope that she'll survive the process ;-)

I wanted to give a shout out to all of you that sat and listened to all the potty training talk I did (and still do from time to time), I know it wasn't easy, especially if you don't have kids haha! I'm sure this is how you felt....bahahaha! I still can't thank you enough for just listening, though!