I failed....

I FAILED.


This is what I constantly felt. This is what I told myself over and over after my second child had an unsuccessful attempt at breast feeding.

NO ONE, not even mothers that had experienced what I had gone through could have prepared me for the emotional rollercoaster I would go through after each time breastfeeding was unsuccessful.

With Kae, I was a new mom, doing everything I could, working so hard to make sure that I could breastfeed my child and to make it work. When Kae was born, she was a beautiful 7lbs 7oz of healthy perfection. When I was in the hospital with her, I had four different nurses, each telling me their own way of how I should breastfeed, but even though they are trained to get babies to latch, they aren't specialized in it, therefore, by the time I left, I was in tears from all the pain/soreness it had caused me.

When I went home, I still worked around the clock killing myself to make sure that breastfeeding worked. I didn't get to see a Lactation Consultant until Kae was about 2-3 weeks old. The gals worked with us, got Kae eating and latched, things were going really well. I learned later that maybe the LC's should have taken more time with me at each meeting, or a full round of breast feeding, to really see if things were going well. Of course, I felt that things were GREAT. She was still eating like a champ (in my opinion), eating often, having regular diapers, etc.
 
When Kae was around 8 weeks old, something felt wrong, Kae seemed "off". Her fontanelle (ie - soft spot on the top of a baby's head) was slightly sunken in, which could indicate dehydration or malnourishment. My intuition was telling me that  I needed to take her into the doctor. Our pediatrician's told me there was no reason to see us because there were so many indicators that led them to believe she was fine. I still insisted, practically begged them to just humor me and let us come in, they still wouldn't. I was so upset. Then I remembered that LC's office did free weight checks whenever they were open, so I packed Kae up and headed there. I had one of the worst experiences as a mother when I got there. They weighed her and she was still 3oz under her BIRTH weight and she was 8 weeks old. My heart sank.

I. was. devastated.

There I was, by myself with Kae (Derek was at work), being told by the LC's that they were debating whether to send us to the ER to put Kae on an IV drip to get fluids in her. I completely lost it and don't remember much of what they said in those next few minutes. Then I was being told that I needed to stop breastfeeding altogether (which I now know was not the best direction for them to take) and get her on formula ASAP to get calories in her. The thing that killed me the most was that both LC's started to ask me how my home life was, if my husband was good to me, if we had a healthy relationship, etc. I went from sobbing to outright PISSED OFF. For those of you that know us personally, you can understand why I lost my cool, Derek is the most WONDERFUL man on the planet, so those questions just completely set me off, which didn't help with the fact that I was already freaking out about Kae and even though I KNOW it was part of their job to find out and ask information, I still lost my cool with them. I did apologize to them later, but it was really hard to hear them ask those kinds of questions.

Once I calmed down, the LC's talked about giving Kae straight formula for the weekend (it was a Friday when I went in) just to get some weight on her, that she needed to gain enough to get her above her birth weight and then they would reevaluate on Monday. In the meantime, while Kae was given forumula, I pumped around the clock to see if I could get my supply back up because even though it wasn't their first suggestion to do this, I was NOT GIVING UP! When I was there on Friday, I barely pumped 1 oz between both breasts when I should have been trippling or quadrupling that at 8 weeks post partum. It was a rough 48 hours. Me being an emotional wreck and beating myself up about how I could have let this happen to Kae, how I didn't notice sooner before things got this back, and more. I wanted breastfeeding to work SO.BAD. So badly that I would have given up a leg.

On Monday, my mother who had driven clear across the state in just a few short hours when I called her Friday while I was completely losing it, went to the LC's office, they put Kae on the scale, we both held our breath and YES! She gained TEN ounces over the weekend. Even though Kae had gained way more than the LC's told us they wanted to see, the "damage" had been done for me emotionally. After Kae being underweight, I had become OBSESSED with measuring formula/breast milk (the very small freezer stash I had) and KNOWING how much she was eating. I was SO freaked out for it to happen again. Next, they had me pump ;in their office to see how much breast milk I could get and the results were even worse than on Friday. My supply was drying up. I was offered a drug that can increase milk supply but one of the side effects was depression and I had a huge chance of getting it with the emotional state I was already in, so I turned it down. I was already a wreck, my mom was leaving, Derek was going back to work, and that would have left me with this new kiddo, and my thoughts, I feared I would get depressed for sure.

Choosing to switch to formula really messed with my head. I had a hard time with seeing breastfeeding mothers until Kae was about 18 months. I felt silly for taking it so hard, but I needed to allow myself to heal and a few of my family and close friends told me that it was OKAY to mourn the loss of something I desperately wanted to work. Don't get me wrong, words cannot even begin to express how thankful I was that Kae was OKAY. I'm thankful that there are other ways to nourish our children when things go wrong. Breast milk is always best, but I'll take formula.

We later were told that Kae was a "lazy eater". She would only eat for a few minutes before wanting to fall asleep and that it was super important that you help babies get the hang of it by three to four weeks of age, because after that, it becomes harder to change habits and milk supply.

Moving forward, I did INSANE amounts of research, I wasn't going to let this happen to another baby of mine. We did research, got all the supplies, made sure I had a breast pump, chose having a natural birth to help with baby being more ready to breast feed since drugged out babies tend to take a lot more work to get breastfeeding down initially because they aren't as alert, planned to see an LC earlier, etc.
 
When Evie got here, I immediately wanted her to eat and get her latched and get to work on making breastfeeding work this time. I was so determined. I fed that kid any dang time she wanted to eat, for as long as she wanted to eat because I knew that it would help my supply and give her more practice. She was a champ, ate and latched perfectly, did all the typical things that newborns should be doing to show progress (a lot of things that Kae didn't do that I didn't know of at the time), and I felt so great about it.

We worked with my midwife as our LC for the first two weeks, then after that, we were being told that it looked as if things were going well, so we waited another week before tracking down an LC. Well, I COMPLETELY forgot that Derek's Aunt who was a LC/Labor and Deliver nurse recently moved near us (I did a happy dance) so when Evie was around 3 weeks I contacted her because I still had that nagging worry of what happened to Kae and I was paranoid. Unfortunately, my worst fears were coming to reality. Evie was almost 4 weeks old and still under birth weight but between the time she was weighed at her two week appt and then, she had gained weight, it just wasn't what people typically want to see. Aunt Kathy immediately helped me get to work, sent me home with a hospital grade breast pump, gave Evie and I a very intense regimen to go by and started getting to work. I was hopeful that since I was being more proactive about making it work this time, that everything was sure to be fine. What I loved even more is that Aunt Kathy knew how passionate I was about it and instead of saying "she's not gaining enough, we need to switch to formula", she said, "you breast feed her as much as you can before she loses interest (Evie was pulling off acting like she wasn't getting enough breast milk and wouldn't latch back on when that would happen), then top her off with formula, that way she's getting all the breast milk she can and just a tiny bit of formula. If you are okay with donor milk, try to get ahold of some, that way you don't have to do formula at all!" She was just amazing. A huge help and huge cheerleader for me. I appreciated her so much.

I went through a week of that strict regimen, which was, feed Evie, supplement, pump. I was doing that around the dang clock and it was taking it's toll on me. In on honesty, on day 5, I hit a wall, I was exhausted, sore and emotional. Pumping SUCKS and it does take time to get used to it, but I didn't want to bring myself to get used to it because I was so sure that I didn't need to do it after a week because I knew that my production was going to pick back up! I just knew it. I prayed that it would.

Weigh in day came, put Evie on the scale, she only gained another 2 oz and was still under birth weight at 4.5 weeks :-( It was like the nightmare with Kae was happening all over again. It was even harder to deal with this time because I worked so hard and did so much planning, IT WAS SUPPOSE TO WORK!!!!!!!!!! I just couldn't understand. I had failed another child.

I remember crying for DAYS. I almost fell into some sort of depression over this whole situation. How could this have happened AGAIN?! I did EVERYTHING I could think of to plan and prepare to try to make sure that breastfeeding was more successful this time. I spent every waking moment I could on reading and researching. Had set up my birth plan around having a successful breastfeeding experience. How could this have happened again?

When I was feeling my worst during this time, something amazing happened. My sister in law found out what had happened and offered to give us a HUGE portion of her freezer stash of breast milk so that I could feed Evie breast milk longer than I thought was going to be possible. Some people are a little unsettled about the idea with using donor breast milk for their child, but knowing who it was coming from, what their lifestyle was like, it was a NO BRAINER to take this gift. To this day she has NO idea how much that truly meant to me. She was my angel during this dark time for me. Lindsy, I'm forever grateful to your for such a generous act of kindness!

Let me just say that I don't think formula is HORRIBLE, Kae was given formula from 2 months old until she was done with it, but I wanted Evie to get as much breast milk as she could because you just can't beat the natural goodness of it, because it really is the best you can get if you can give it yourself or get it from someone. It's liquid GOLD! haha!

I was starting to "heal" from what had happened until we ran out of breast milk...we introduced formula. I have NO idea why I had such a hard time with giving her formula. Maybe it was because it was a reminder of how I failed? Who knows. I turned to some fellow mamas and one of them said to me and reminded me, it is OKAY to mourn about this, you are allowed to grieve because you worked so hard to try to make it possible and it didn't work out. Deal with it, feel it, process it. Those were some amazing words for me to hear because I always felt I was being silly for making such a big deal out of it and there were so many that didn't understand why I was feeling so badly about breastfeeding failing.

Evie is almost 20 months old now and the reason I'm sharing this story with you today is because a couple months ago, I saw a photo that brought all of these emotions and feelings back to reality for me. I can't share the photo because I don't know who it was originally from and since I don't, I can't get permission to share it. It was of a mother that was supplementing with a supplement container holding formula, that was around her neck like a necklace and she was supplementing via breast feeding. I was flooded with tears when I saw it, mostly because it reminded me of our struggle and how I had to do that for hours just praying and hoping that the stimulation from supplementing at the breast would stimulate my body to do its job.

Feeling a little down in the dumps after seeing that photo, I confided in a good friend that is schooling and training to someday become a Lactation Specialist herself. I shared the photo with her, told her how it was making me feel, etc. The next thing she said to me was something that I didn't know I needed to hear, but I believed all these events happened for a reason, and lead up to this moment in my life. She said to me.....
"Caty, every single nursing session is a success! Even if you brought your baby to your breast ONE time, it's a success! Every nursing session is such a gift! You ARE a successful breastfeeding mama!!!"

In that moment, I was given "closure" that I desperate sought after. Maybe not even full closure because it still stings a tiny bit when I see a mother nursing their children, but in that moment, I felt I was given validation in a way that no one else could give me. There were so many people that told me the same thing, or along those line, but it was the way that my friend worded it, I guess, that made a huge difference. She has NO idea how forever grateful I will be to her for saying those words to me.

Why am I sharing all of this with you? Because I KNOW I am not the only person that has fought this battle, gone through this struggle, felt this guilt, felt the pain and agony of an outcome that wasn't hoped for. I want to share this story because I hope that it helps at least one mama get through this struggle. Feeling these feelings and trying to heal from something like not being able to breastfeed your child to a point that you wanted, is something that happens, and it is OKAY to feel all these things and process it over however long it takes you. I am still learning how to deal with it, and you better believe I'm nervous about what might happen when I have another child, but this is the best way for deal with it.

If you have gone through something similar, TALK ABOUT IT. I don't care how silly you think it might be...TALK ABOUT IT! You are allowed to grieve over something like this.

To those of you reading this and going through the struggle RIGHT NOW and aren't sure who to turn to, I am HERE FOR YOU! <3 br="">